How much sex should you be having?
Are you having enough sex? You might have wondered if you should up your bedroom activity after reading about other couples' resolutions to have sex every day or about all the health benefits of getting horizontal.
In
what might be welcome news for everyone exhausted from work and
frazzled from kids, research suggests you don't have to get down every
day to reap the rewards of sex, at least in terms of happiness and
relationship closeness.
A recent study
found that, although married people or people in committed
relationships who had more sex tended to report feeling happier, the
benefit leveled off at a sexual frequency of once a week. Those who said
they did the deed four or more times a week did not report feeling any
happier than those who had trysts only weekly.
"I do think couples can end up feeling pressure to try to engage in sex as frequently as possible," said Amy Muise,
a postdoctoral researcher studying sexual relationships at Dalhousie
University in Canada. Once a week "is maybe a more realistic goal to set
than thinking you have to have sex everyday and that feels overwhelming
and you avoid it," said Muise, who is lead author of the study, which
was published in November in the journal Social Psychological and
Personality Science.
The study
found that sex could boost happiness because it makes people feel more
satisfied in their relationship, based on survey data from two separate
cohorts, including 2,400 married couples in the U.S. National Survey of
Families and Households.
"For
people in relationships, their romantic relationship quality is one of
the biggest predictors of their overall happiness," Muise said. "Having
sex more than once a week might not be enhancing that (relationship
connection), although it is not bad."
However,
there are a couple of rubs with this research, Muise said. One is that
it is not clear which came first, sex or happiness. It may be that
people who have sex once a week or more were happier in their
relationship and life to begin with, and not that the sex helped make
them happy. Or both may be true: Sex enhances happiness and happiness
enhances sex.
The other catch is
that, although a weekly romp might be just what some people need, it
might be too much or too little for others. "Certainly there are couples
for whom having sex less frequently will be fine for their happiness,
and there are couples who will get increases in happiness if they have
sex more than once a week," Muise said.
What's the right number for you?
"One
of the best effects of an article like this (by Muise and her
colleagues) is that it opens up conversations with couples" about their
sex life, said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist based in Berlin. For some
couples, the question of how often they should have sex might not have
come up, which could be a sign they feel sufficiently close and
satisfied -- or that they are just too busy or disconnected to think
about it.
"Most couples want to be
having more sex and I think this is really a result of how busy and
full most of our lives are," Marin said.
Marin
avoids prescribing an amount of sex that couples should have, because
every couple is different, and instead recommends couples test it out
for themselves. "I'm a big fan of having clients experiment, like, one
month try to have sex twice a week and see how that goes, or once a
week, try to play around with it," Marin said.
As for those lucky couples that are content with how often they get busy under the sheets, one study
suggests they may not want to change a thing. Researchers asked couples
that were having sex about six times a month to double down on getting
down. Couples that doubled their sexual frequency were in worse moods
and enjoyed sex less at the end of three months than couples who had
stuck to their usual level of bedroom activity.
"Being
told you should do something always makes it less fun," said George
Loewenstein, a professor of economics and psychology at Carnegie Mellon
University and lead author of the study. That is another reason Marin
does not make recommendations to couples about sexual frequency -- for
fear they could worry they are not living up to expectations and lose
their mojo.
However, there's a far
bigger relationship problem than couples worrying they aren't having
quite enough sex -- "couples that have pretty much stopped having sex,"
Loewenstein said. For these couples, "I think once a week is a good
final goal. ... It is almost like a natural constant to do it once a
week," he said.
Even if these
abstinent couples want to be having more sex, they may lack the desire
for their partner. These couples can try conventional strategies, such
as scheduling more quality time together or trying a change in scenery.
"What couple has not had the experience that you go to a hotel in a new
location in a new environment and the person you're with seems
different, and different is good when it comes to sex," Loewenstein
said.
But if these tricks aren't
enough, couples may have to appeal to their rational rather than lustful
side and tell themselves to just do it. "These couples might be
surprised how enjoyable it would be if they restarted," Loewenstein
said.
Should you schedule your sex?
It
might sound like the least romantic thing in the world to pencil in
sexy time with your partner. But if you and your partner are game to
try, there is no reason not to make a sex schedule.
"For
some couples, scheduling sex works really well, it gives them something
to look forward to, they like the anticipation, they like feeling
prioritized," Marin said. "Then other couples (say) scheduling sex feels
horrible to them, like sex is transactional and just another item on
their to-do list."
Again, Marin recommends couples experiment with scheduling sex to see if it helps them, as long as neither is opposed to it.
A
good idea for all couples, whether they like the idea of scheduling
sex, is to plan for quality time together -- just the two of them.
Ideally, this would be about 20 minutes a day with the TV off and cell
phones away, but for extra busy couples, it can help to reserve just
five minutes a day for a tete-a-tete, Marin said. This time is also the
"container for sex," the time and privacy when sex can be initiated, but
you don't have to feel pressure about it, she added.
Although
scheduling sex can help couples that want to be having sex but just
can't find the time, it can make things worse for some. "If there are
relationship issues or psychological issues such as stress or anxiety,
then scheduling sex might just add to the pressure," said Acacia Parks,
associate professor of psychology at Hiram College.
As
for when to schedule the sex, the best time is probably the time when
you are least likely to be pulled away by life's obligations. One of the
perks of rise-and-shine sex is that testosterone levels are highest in
the morning, and this hormone drives sexual desire. On the other hand,
tuck-you-in sex could help lull you to sleep, as hormones released
during orgasm could help you relax and feel tired.
According
to Muise, the participants in her research typically reported having
sex at night before going to sleep, which is not that surprising. But it
has to work for both parties. "This is another point of negotiation
between partners," Muise said. "One of them is just too exhausted. That
might be something to play around with, is there a time on the weekend
that we could try instead."
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